pick up your phone. its not the blood bank calling, it’s my heart on the line.

My fingertips have clogged arteries from an over consumption of high cholesterol words and lack of emotional activity. They haven’t sweated in weeks and I’vebecome irregular. my funny bone is inflamed and my frontal lobe is swimming in a pool of words unsaid. Am i running away from my past or finally grasping my future. could my future be running from me while i hold on to my past? whichever it may be I’m goin with it. And for once I’m not just letting it happen I’m make it. I’m worried its not the right choice. but i accept my fate it’s the wrong one. while justifying my actions to the mirror i told the sorrow filled reflection that “if you’re gonna choose a life with out god make sure it’s a life worth going to hell for.” I don’t appreciate enough. I don’t love enough. I don’t see my sister enough or her heart. We used to be in such a great place but i worry now that we were only that close because i was who she wanted me to be. I thought being true to me would feel better than this. I remember a time where i smiled harder that this. Back then i was drunk all the time, pursing a career that was toxic to my values and loving a man and a woman that now resent me. Yet my smile doesn’t lay on my face the same. Since then my smile doesn’t lie to my face the same. I’m better off now than then then. I’m better now. I’m better now. I’m WELL now. But i still miss them. I have to think twice before i say your name to make sure it’s not his that roles of my tongue. I still cry when i think of her. I saw a picture a couple minutes ago of a misplaced memory of a time when my lies of love were covered in lust and drinkin every night. But i would’nt exchange those times for anything. I’ve chosen to give my heart away only a few times before and trust me there’s plenty of heart left for one more. It takes blows like mercury. You hit it hard and fast and it’s like punching a brick wall. But if you gently approach it with a yeilding touch it will be softer than butter. You say i have a thousand defenses and i always have my guard up. Well you should have seen me before. I was the mother fuckin berlin wall. Baby for you i’m an open book. Granted i’m an old book and some of my text is wearing away, but as long as you squint and hold my pages tightly, closse to you r face, you’ll make out my contents in time. And time we have. Not that we’ve used it. we’ve hopped this train like it’s our last chance to get home. We’re going a hundred miles an hour. But the wind in our hair has never felt so good. you’re nothing like what i was looking for, but exactly what i need. I’m a harlequin. Be warned. I’ll drive you crazy but you won’t be able to turn your back on me. You told me not to break your heart.  Chances are i will. But lets not think about that. Lets drink tea. And make music and write pretty words of fluffy pillows and dream-world love with hands holding hearts and non-exsistent fears. Our future is full of secret telling and eskimo kisse. Back massages that slow our pulse and love songs that we store in a lock box so we can cash them when times are hard, this recessions growing stronger than our words so lets get a move on.

to the gentle gardener

lets.. kick it old school.
you grab the pull, ill grab the hoe
and together we’ll cultivate these withered souls.

a little TLC,
some dirty knees,
and a whole lot of help from the birds and the bees,
will erected these fragile leaves.

i got drowning sunflowers in my eyes
and they’re craving your light
so shine bright babe
i dont think they’ll live through one more down poor.

you just might be the gentile gardener i’ve been waiting for.
but im not gonna bet my pettles on it.
he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me not if have any thing to say about it.

i’ll grow pretty for you.
i’ll dance in the wind for you.
i’ll tickle your nose if you get close enough.

just promise me this.
you’ll never cut me off at the knees, detatch me from my roots
just to place me in a cramped vase on the mantle.
im no decorative touch in your world of petty suites.

so slap on those grimey boots, babe
and bring your sunshine this way.
we got a lot of work to do
to make these photosynthesis feelings stay.

my geology

At the beginning of the day you were nothing more than good hair and a potential lay. But my rope has become a mere string and ours is a story with no ending.   I’m doin what I do best, and putting myself before the rest, except I’m still losing in the midst of this selfish contest. I’m a consistent motherfucker and I’m worried I’ve struck gold again. I’ve been mining this cave for years now.  Pounding at the walls with hammers made of trauma.  I love that drama. Drunken nights, fist fights, afraid to turn on the lights; I don’t want to know whose hand that is. I’ve become good at picking out the gems amongst the rubble and forgetting all the while with your eyes wide shut gold is still nothing more than a rock. The most important aspects of a relationship are absorbency and buoyancy. Some times when shit gets tough you just have to suck it up and stay afloat.  Will you be my water wings, while I try to demolish these blood diamond feelings? I have callused hands and scabs on my knees.  My bones have never been stronger and my heart has never been harder. So imma put pebbles in my eyes and try to forget all of the pickaxe lies. Cause there’s a rockslide at our heals. And our beginning is looking a lot like our ending.

i feel as if my world is being consumed by petty things. but i feel too much like a cockroach to mingle with larger obsticales. lose-lose? lose-live? undecided.

i heard you got so messed up you couldnt remeber who i was the day after. “dude youve been drinking alot lately..” “im drinking to forget her” good job. goal reached, objective achieved, lucidity lost…

give me your hand baby. your heads sinking below the water and you forgot your snorkel. but i got a life vest that’s just your size. come closer honey, let me tighten those straps. no ones gonna drown on my watch.

jump in, splash around, swim under water. but dont forget to open your eyes as you cut through those crashing white waves. let the salt water in. dont worry honey that sting means its working.

we live day by day winking at the future. whispering sweat nothings to our bones of wealth, health, and happiness but these bones know better. my bones bring reality to my mouth. she says she’s fine. she plays dress up with her heart. a little more eye liner, bright red lipstick, how’s about that cleavage, baby. think he’ll love you now? no, but your bones crave that touch no matter how covered in blood it is. well darling, that touch will be mocking you tomorrow and your eyeliner will be running but your bones with grow thicker. no amount of sex cocaine or alcohol will deteriorate your bones. no matter how hard you try. i wish your words could penetrate your bones the way they do ours. they tie strings of truth to our guts that are connected to the doors of opportunity we’ve been confronted with, and as they elegantly glide of your tongue they slam those doors shut ripping our bodies apart, leaving only our bones to remain. our bones are hollow. yours are over flowing with talent. if you could spare one baby i think i need a transplant. you’re more than talent to me. i see your soul honey i don’t care how pretty your voice is or how original your new time signature may be. your talent means nothing to me. your flesh means nothing to me. so believe me when i say this, baby, your bones will never break the way your heart has.

the other day i went to the beach.

some times i feel as if i do the beach wrong. i hate the water. and the heat. i dont swim. and im going to get cancer before i get a paris hilton glow. yet i still Love it! its the environment the people, the birds and boats and sea weed that smells horrible and looks worse. its a breath of fresh air for my eyes. it all feels so real (in comparison the monotiny of day to day life). every one’s there to have fun. laughing and loving one another. as we were stroling the shore we walked past a couple holding hands sitting on a large piece of drift wood looking out at the rippling water and experiencing and full-body feeling of enjoyment watching their son strategicly select the best rock to shotput back into the sea. you could see the appreciation of the moment in their eyes, smiles, reincels, feet. i had the oppertunity to photograph them. but i decided that i could never capture all of the wonder with in that moment. so i filed it away in my mind, where it will remain perfect and intangible to all the moments that temporarily or permantly saturate ones life in pain and rage. itll become a scurity blanket for my soul.  more to come later….

how did i take this photo?

its true! we are having a normal summer. its so wierd to look out side then look at the calendar and the month not say august! so here are a couple snap shots of how my summer has started… 

i came home from work at 11:40pm and they were still out there.

thank you for your answer but im afriad its left me with even more questions:

good blesses non-Christians, but does he bless all non-christians, or merely those that he knows will become christian through seeing his blessings?

why does he bless non-christains? isnt that kind of fighting the cause. why would they turn to him if they’re being blessed with out knowing him?

why would a sovereigrn god create some one he knows will never be a christian? (i believe this was the underlying question in the previous blog)

or does god stategicly place an oppertunity to meet him with in everybodies life and leave the aproach and “hand shake” up to us?

ps: i tried downloading one of the “ask mark”s but it didnt work. ill try again though.

so i love my job. being a server at olive garden to be specific. i fully intend on deterring from this topic within the next 10 sentences, so bare with me.

some nights at the OG are extremely enjoyable. tonight was most certainly one of those nights. it wasn’t too busy, it was actually rather slow. but consistent. so i was able to give my guests ample service with out “over serving” them, which was very profitable once my black books hit the tables. my guest were friendly, my coworkers weren’t stressed, mike was working, i had a sahweet section, i was in high spirits (due to a productive morning), and folks were being quite generous. it was an all around delightful day at work.

Digression…

this morning(The productivity) i learned how to down load sermons on to my zune. i believe I’m up to 11! on my way to work i decided to listen to my newly acquired verbiage. i started with a series called “religion saves and 9 other misconceptions.” i chose this particular on because i don’t think i have heard any of them. logical, i know. the first sermon in the series is about birth control, whats  acceptablefor Christians, whats not, and the latter. I’m about 30 min in, it’s about 72min over all. its been very educational thus far not just on a faith based stand point but also in a text book fact type of way. that’s something i love about mark. he always gives you so much context to consider. in and out of the bible. throughout the first half hour he spoke a lot about the pros and cons of a married couple choosing not to use birth control and allowing god to give them as many children as god wishes. i have immense respect for this option. it’s an enormous act of faith. a faith that quite frankly I’m jealous of. so a question has presented its self to my critical mind. my critical minds faith based counter part has attempted to debate a reasonable answer but is having no luck. so I’ll ask y’all: “if a child is a blessing, and god never gives you more than you can handle, why would he bless  non-Christians, practicing pre-maritalsex, with a child that, sovereignty  in his, he knows will be doomed?”

please share your wisdom below! thanks.

the house which contains my bed and life accessories is becoming a zoo. rather has always been a zoo. now I’m merely becoming fed up with it. I’m noticing a drastic change in my attitude. I’m more cynical than ever and feel a building sense of territoriality. i like to think that i grew out of the “its mine” stage when i entered middle school and stopped tattling on Kim. yet when I’m sitting in the living room watching my roommate diddle on my laptop for hours on end it feels like some one is slowly pulling my hair back in to my scalp and flicking the back of my eyes. “hey are you done on here?” “ya you can get on if you want”. i know its petty but the idea of being granted permission to use the very laptop i purchased really pushes my buttons. i doubt this is truly the basis of my frustration but it’s masking the root quite well. a constant fite the mate and i have is about the appearance of our casa. as I’m protective of my computer he’s protective of his house. (which is another thing that’s souring my milk, it’s still his house) right now he’s vacuuming, i think it might be his first time ever. i was unaware he even owned a vacuum. but his and i’s prospective on clean are completely opposite. he believes tidying constitutes as clean while i prefer the on your knees scrubbing look. gah I’m just venting. i was hoping i would come to some sort of Epiphany while putting to words all the  thoughts that have been plaguing me . but, i got nothin.

a few weeks ago i spoke with a gentleman i work with. he’s a good friend of mike’s so i saw him as a brother figure while he was sharing with me some of his wisdom. he was unaware of my current living situation and when he found out he was irate, as a friend and a brother in christ. not only was he upset that i would put my self in this environment but he was scared for me. he spoke clearly and was direct. i don’t think his words were as impacting as the genuine concern i felt from some one out side of my family. it was a wake up call to see some one other than my loved ones to disapprove of my choices. through out the conversation i was confronted with the things i have been trying very hard not to fixate on and was made to look my self in the eyes and ask “what are you doing”. i entered rays house as a favor. which has become a obligation. and slowly turning into a disabling affliction. i know for my own good i need to leave the house. but i also need to be needed, which i get every time i pay half of rays rent. i will eventually give ray a dead line to find a new roomy. eventually..