i hate the zoo

the house which contains my bed and life accessories is becoming a zoo. rather has always been a zoo. now I’m merely becoming fed up with it. I’m noticing a drastic change in my attitude. I’m more cynical than ever and feel a building sense of territoriality. i like to think that i grew out of the “its mine” stage when i entered middle school and stopped tattling on Kim. yet when I’m sitting in the living room watching my roommate diddle on my laptop for hours on end it feels like some one is slowly pulling my hair back in to my scalp and flicking the back of my eyes. “hey are you done on here?” “ya you can get on if you want”. i know its petty but the idea of being granted permission to use the very laptop i purchased really pushes my buttons. i doubt this is truly the basis of my frustration but it’s masking the root quite well. a constant fite the mate and i have is about the appearance of our casa. as I’m protective of my computer he’s protective of his house. (which is another thing that’s souring my milk, it’s still his house) right now he’s vacuuming, i think it might be his first time ever. i was unaware he even owned a vacuum. but his and i’s prospective on clean are completely opposite. he believes tidying constitutes as clean while i prefer the on your knees scrubbing look. gah I’m just venting. i was hoping i would come to some sort of Epiphany while putting to words all the  thoughts that have been plaguing me . but, i got nothin.

a few weeks ago i spoke with a gentleman i work with. he’s a good friend of mike’s so i saw him as a brother figure while he was sharing with me some of his wisdom. he was unaware of my current living situation and when he found out he was irate, as a friend and a brother in christ. not only was he upset that i would put my self in this environment but he was scared for me. he spoke clearly and was direct. i don’t think his words were as impacting as the genuine concern i felt from some one out side of my family. it was a wake up call to see some one other than my loved ones to disapprove of my choices. through out the conversation i was confronted with the things i have been trying very hard not to fixate on and was made to look my self in the eyes and ask “what are you doing”. i entered rays house as a favor. which has become a obligation. and slowly turning into a disabling affliction. i know for my own good i need to leave the house. but i also need to be needed, which i get every time i pay half of rays rent. i will eventually give ray a dead line to find a new roomy. eventually..

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~ by everyonesfavoritemidget on May 13, 2008.